The Crypt of Kryl-Feijan and You
Based on a totally maybe definitely somewhat true story.
Eden the Rogue, Chapter Thirteen: Aeryn Is A Jerk In This Story For Some Reason
FAR EAST
“This is all your fault!” Eden rattled the Orb of Many Ways frantically, but it offered no response.
Eden’s self-proclaimed stellar sense of direction had failed him in this strange new land. Despite his half-hearted wanderings, he hadn’t come across a single trace of civilisation (apart from a few orc patrols who angrily told him to ‘wait for the next beta’). For all his aspirations of becoming a loner in Middle-Earth, he soon found that being alone wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, and his present isolation was making his brain behave in strange ways… the fact he had all-but-made an imaginary friend before becoming stranded didn’t help matters.
“Now are you sorry you abandoned me? If you were wearing me, you could have fled from Novan and not needed to use the farportal…”
“Quiet!”
“I hope those ballyhooed Frost Treads have sturdy soles… you’re going to be wandering for a long time…”
“Quiet I said! Quiet! I…” Eden’s initiation into the insanity club was postponed as he spied the telltale entrance to a cave mere yards away. Approaching the entrance he saw that the cavern was submerged.
“An underwater cave… Shouldn’t be too difficult to traverse. Right…”
Fortunately, the sound of approaching hoof falls brought Eden away from his premature death on the end of a naga’s trident. A patrol was approaching him, and not just any patrol – a patrol of humans and elves in shining armour. Sun paladins!
“By Eru’s knapsack, I’m saved!” The paladin patrol (or palatrol) came to a halt by Eden’s side as he gasped, “Thank you, thank you! I-I-I’ve been lost for days! I went through this portal and it dropped me in the middle of nowhere and I haven’t got a clue where I am! But now I’m saved, hahaha! Please, won’t you help me?”
GATES OF MORNING
“High Lady Aeryn. We found some vagabond not affiliated with the Sunwall out in the wilds. Probably a spy.” The pair of paladins that had dragged Eden’s bruised body the distance of the journey to the Gates of Morning dropped him unceremoniously, “Deal with him as you will.”
Eden got to his feet, tenderly feeling his many aches and pains as he did, “You’re the boss here? I’ve gotta tell you, I don’t think much of the hospitality around here. Would it hurt ya to roll out a red carpet for new arrivals? I just think that with this treatment I’ll…” Eden looked up, noticing who he was talking to for the first time, “… okay-I’ll-be-quiet.”
The woman who stood before Eden was glaring at him with such intensity that he imagined she was trying to melt him with imaginary heat vision. Not that it would’ve been necessary; the sheer gleaming of her armour was enough to give Eden a mild suntan just by standing there.
Eden waited as the woman perused him. When no greeting seemed imminent, he coughed and began, “Anyway, my names Ed--”
“I am High Sun Paladin Aeryn, ruler of the Sunwall.” The woman spoke over Eden, “Followers of the sun, who wield the power of the sun to punish the enemies of the sun.”
“Thanks for clearing that up. So, anyway--”
“Who are you, traveller?” Aeryn sniffed with distaste, “You have the smell of orcs about you.”
“I should imagine so! I’ve just fought through a whole dwarven-hallsworth of them, and I haven’t had the chance to fit a bath into my schedule. I don’t suppose you warriors of the sun have a bath house of the sun I can use… of the sun?”
An entirely humourless smile crossed Aeryn’s face, “You seem to be under the delusion that you are welcomed here, rogue. I, for one, doubt your story. We have heard of no dwarven halls in the surrounding lands, and I find it hard to believe someone as un-shiny as you could have performed such a feat anyway. I find the idea of you being an orcish spy far easier to believe…”
“How can I be an orcish spy?! They barely understand what they’re seeing half the time, let alone what others are seeing for them!”
“High Lady Aeryn!” A sun paladin approached Aeryn, who had entirely ignored Eden’s speech, “News of another spider attack reaches us. Scouts saw a group of the fiends dragging an anorithil into Ardhungol.”
“Anorithil?” Exclaimed Eden, “You mean like Beturin?”
“Indeed! That was her name!”
Aeryn scowled, “And how did you know that?” Drawing her sword, she advanced on Eden, “Not an orcish spy, but a spider spy? A spy-der?”
Eden drew his knives, “Oh, whatever. You’re obviously itching for a fight of the sun, lady of the sun. I’ll give you a fight, of the sun!”
“Eden?”
Both Aeryn and Eden turned to the sun paladin in confusion. Raising his visor, he was revealed to be Belebeth, the sun paladin Eden had assisted in the Trollshaws. “Is that you? Never thought I’d see you again! How fare you?”
“You know this knave?” Aeryn mumbled, sheathing her sword.
“Indeed. He was the rogue who helped me to my recall portal I told you about.” Belebeth turned to Eden and grinned, “Come quite a way from your home in Bree, haven’t you?”
“We cannot control our circumstances, only our responses…” Eden replied with humility, but not before shooting a smug look at Aeryn.
“So, you’re not a spy…” Aeryn muttered, “But then, how do you know Beturin?”
“Saved her too,” Smiled Eden, “She’d be fertiliser for Old Man Willow right now if it wasn’t for me.”
“Well then,” Aeryn displayed a smile as gleaming as her armour, “Why not rescue her again, from these spiders? Do that, and maybe we can talk further about your admittance here…”
“Deal! After all, how big can these giant spiders be?”
ARDHUNGOL 1
“WAAAAAH!”
Eden was hurled against the cavern wall, rolling to the floor in cloud of dust. Turning his head, he beheld the gigantic mandibles only inches away from piercing his neck. He swung his dagger, by luck hitting the scuttling horror in one of its many eyes. The pain was enough for it to flinch, giving Eden the opportunity to regain his footing and bring the creature down with a frantic flurry.
“That’s not a spider!” Shrieked Eden, “That’s… that’s two mumakil tied together!”
Level 30! +3 Cunning +2 Precision +1 Cunning/Packing
This scenario repeated itself many times as Eden attempted to explore the caverns – far more times than he would’ve liked. Although adventuring was never truly safe, Eden felt a sense of peril that he hadn’t felt before. During one of the quiet moments between battles, he heard a sinister voice in his head that was not his own.
“Eden?” Arenji hissed, “Your time comes, and not a moment too soon.”
“You!” Eden spoke to thin air, “This little subconscious ploy shows just how desperate you are!”
“Fool yourself if you will, whelp.”
Eden moved on, ignoring the voice, when he noticed something peculiar. “Arenji… if I’m to die… why aren’t you happy?” Indeed, Arenji’s voice was bitter, “I thought you delighted in seeing people brought to their end.”
“In most cases, yes,” Arenji grumbled, “But there is a meddler in your affairs…”
“Meddler? What do you mean?”
Arenji was silent. All of a sudden, Eden felt a presence behind him. Spinning on the spot, he saw no one.
ARDHUNGOL 2
Level 31! +3 Strength +1 Whirlwind +1 Efficient Packing
Eden fell back with exhaustion. He was fighting a group of dragon hatchlings, both red and white, that didn’t seem to be dwindling. He couldn’t help but hear the distinctive scuttling sounds of giant spiders blocking off his escape routes too. Only when it was too late did he perceive the source of the hatchlings; a pair of drakes, one red and one white. Eden couldn’t hope to face them, the main body of the hatchling horde stood directly between him and them. With his escape blocked by spiders, he had no choice but to read a scroll of phase door.
The scroll deposited Eden in a new cavern, but from the nearby sounds of roaring and scratching, he guessed that he wasn’t too far from his previous location.
A faint red glow came from the darkness beyond. In its light Eden could almost make out… an orc’s face?
“Hello, something seems to be happening down the--”
???
“I… I can’t move…”
“Good. That’d just make my work harder. Can you see me?”
Although Eden didn’t feel his eyes open, his vision slowly returned. Unable to move his head, Eden could only see from his current viewpoint that he was in a dark, underground chamber. The air was deathly cold.
“I’m freezing…”
“Ahh, quit complaining.” Came Grim’s response. Her familiar face appeared in Eden’s field of view, smiling as always, “You’re lucky I found ya in time.”
“Lucky?” Eden mumbled, “Lucky how?”
“Don’t you remember? You were attacked by this orcish pyromancer and his drakes, not to mention a whole heap of giant spiders. They totally surrounded you. You were in a right state; looked like a crimson jelly exploded.”
“Oh, yeah…” Eden moved to wipe his face, but found he couldn’t move his arms, “I remember that damned pyromancer now. Makes this cold a bit more bearable thinking about it. Where are we?”
Grim offered no response, too busy with something out of Eden’s field of view to reply. Eden asked another question, “How did you find me, anyway?”
“Uh? Oh…” Grim shrugged, “Turned out there was a second farportal to the east that didn’t need the Orb of Many Ways. It’s what all those sun paladins and anorithils were using to show up in the west. I went through it, found that Sunwall place, got told to go to Ardhungol by the scary lady, and found ya in a spider web. Simple. Ooh! I think I’ve got this figured out now…” Grim ducked out of view again. A few moments later, Eden felt the paralysis slowly fade from his limbs. “That better?”
“Yes. So… I’m going to be okay?”
“Right as rain,” Grim twinkled, “Just one thing. You kinda lost a rib. Hope you don’t mind.”
“One rib? Of course not.” Eden sighed. He felt safe, a feeling he hadn’t experienced in a long time, “Looks like I owe you big-time, Grim. Still, I got pretty far for a punk from Bree, didn’t I? I wonder if the townspeople will accept me now, once they’ve seen all I’ve gone through…”
Grim made a long and hesitant noise, tugging the collar of her robe awkwardly, “Well, maybe… I mean, people are a little more accepting now than they were in the old days…”
In an instant, Eden was suspicious, “What do you mean? You have fixed me up properly, right? I’m not disfigured or anything? I have to say, I didn’t know you to be much of a doctor…”
“Doctor?! Nah, I’m hopeless at that stuff,” Grim giggled, “I ended up in prison when I tried to get that splinter out of old man Gardner’s finger once…”
“Then… what have you done? And what is that?!” For the first time, Eden beheld the tool Grim held in her hand – a bonesaw.
“I can hardly ply my trade without it, can I Eden?”
“Trade?!” Thoughts of dread were rapidly accumulating in Eden’s mind, “Why is it so cold?! How did you heal me?! And where are we?!”
Grim smiled, a picture of glee, “The Paths of the Dead, silly!”
You have died!
Eden the Rogue, Chapter Eight: Is This The End Of Eden?!
ANGOLWEN
"Ahh, now this is more like it!"
The secret city of Angolwen spread before Eden. The plaza he stood before was filled with mages walking to and fro; talking about new spellcasting techniques, comparing spectacles, enjoying chilled glasses of restore mana at one of the many roadside potion stands. Eden grinned – these spellweavers were so easy to steal from! They always had prime equipment, and it was child’s play to pickpocket from somebody who carried all their things using feather wind…
"May I help you?"
Eden halted as a guard clanked towards him. He noticed that on the tip of his spear there wasn’t a spearhead, but a wand. He guessed that it wasn’t of sense. "What are you doing here, rogue?" The guard asked sternly.
"Me? Didn’t you get the message from that novice mage? I’m to be welcomed here! I’m Eden!"
"Novice mage?" The guard thought to himself. With sudden realisation, he slapped his face with frustration, "This again…"
"Excuse me?"
"Some thieves who know the location of Angolwen disguise themselves as mages. They trick saps into giving them all their magical equipment, promising that they can grant them access here. Didn’t you ever ask yourself why an apprentice would have such authority?" Eden had asked himself, but it didn’t make him feel any less stupid now.
"Oh, by Ulmo’s anklet," Eden grumbled, "What do I do now?"
"You turn around, and go home."
"What?!" Eden exclaimed, "But I have no home!" This was a lie – Eden did have a home, but he didn’t plan on returning to it, what with it being in the middle of that town that hates his guts. Grim had asked if she could use it to store bodies for her necromantic experiments. Eden agreed; on the off-chance that Grim was a necromancer, the smell would drive the townspeople crazy.
The guard, seeing that Eden would not leave quietly, gave a huge sigh. “Fine, I suppose I can tell you about the standard test mages give so others can access Angolwen. I’m going to warn you though, they give out this test simply so that the people taking it get killed and stop bothering them. If you succeed however, they’ll be legally bound to allow you access. Are you interested?”
WILDERNESS
“Either the heart of the Sandworm Queen… or the head of Rantha… hmm…”
Worms or dragons? Massive, fire-breathing reptilian monsters from his darkest nightmares, or worms? It almost didn’t seem like a choice at all!
It felt more like a choice, however, as Eden approached the sandworm lair. By chance, Eden found himself walking alongside a group of fellow adventurers also interested in gaining access to Angolwen.
“Awful lot of scrolls you’ve got there…” Eden commented, noticing the reams of parchment that bulged out of the adventurers’ satchels, “Thinking of starting a library for the sandworms?”
“What, are you simple?” Snapped an elven archer at Eden, “These are magic mapping scrolls! Phase door scrolls! You’d have to be insane to enter the lair of the sandworms without these. If anything, I think we’re underequipped…”
“Really?” Eden looked at the paltry selection of moth-eaten scrolls in his pack.
“Aye. Your biggest enemy down that hole isn’t the sandworms…” A gruff-looking dwarf (is there any other type?) stooped to pick up a handful of sand, “It’s this.”
“Sand? I don’t understand what you’re – Pfagh! Plegh!” The dwarf had dashed the sand he held at Eden’s eyes.
“That, times a million.” The dwarf laughed, “Aye, the only good thing about going into the sandworm lair underequipped is that your corpse is already buried for you! How’s that for convenience, lad? … Lad?”
Eden was already a distance from the group, shouting over his shoulder, “I’m just going to go and get a thick jacket! I think I’ll need it where I’m going…”
CARN DÛM 1
Eden shivered. The lands surrounding Bree could hardly be called balmy, but they weren’t nearly as cold as Carn Dûm. Eden almost found himself wishing for intense combat, believing it would warm him up somewhat. Unfortunately, his primary opponents on the mountains were cold drake hatchlings and snow giants. Each battle was becoming a trial; the wounds he received from his enemies were quite trivial compared to the bitter cold he experienced each time he faced them.
CARN DÛM 2
“I swear, if those mages have sent me on a wild goose chase like those slimeballs in Bree did, I’ll… I’ll…” What would he do? They were mages. “I’ll… stamp my feet, have a temper tantrum and storm off…?”
Eden was rather shocked – literally – to find that some of the snow giants possessed the power of lightning, hurling great bolts of electricity at him in battle. He guessed they must’ve eaten a few tempest mages.
Level 17! +2 Strength +1 Dexterity +1 Weapon Combat +1 Lethality
CARN DÛM 3
Regardless of his recent victories over the snow giants, Eden found himself feeling worn and downtrodden. While he couldn’t fault the speed boost his eponymous boots gave him, he could fault them when it came to keeping frost and slush out from his socks.
It was the chill that got him. It was a very strange experience while fighting, dreading your own blows rather than the enemies’ – each strike at the cold dragons and snow giants brought on a bout of frostbite. To someone like Eden, who employs rather a “death by a thousand cuts” fighting strategy, this wasn’t a good thing. Eden’s mind drifted, filling with images of roaring fires, his warm bed back in Bree, mittens…
It was because of this that he almost missed the remarkable clouds of steam that were emanating from around the corner of the mountain pass he trod on. “Steam…” Gasped Eden quietly, “A hot spring! I found a hot spring! Bliss! Haha, looks like my luck's turning around; the other Valar must have heard about Arenji messing around with my dreams and had him clapped in tilkal!”
Unfortunately for Eden, in truth Arenji was at his diabolic best.
“Hot spring…” Eden chirped happily, “Hot spring… maybe there’s a bath house too! And a high school! And a -- FIRE DRAKE!”
The steam he had saw was the snow hissing and melting beneath the mammoth reptile’s bulk as it waddled around being generally unfriendly and avaricious, as dragons are wont to be. On spying Eden, the dragon gave a colossal roar. Not a roar of anger, as Eden thought, but a roar of joy, for it could now indulge in its favourite hobby – burning things!
“YOW!” Eden wildly weaved out of the way of a huge gout of flame, “I… I don’t know if that felt bad or good!” He stammered. It was delightfully warm…
The second burst of flame, which did hit Eden, he was less ambivalent about. Ducking around a corner, Eden heard as the dragon roared again. This roar was a roar of summoning; it was calling its brood. Unfortunately, this would be the fire drake’s undoing: Just as fighting cold drake hatchlings chilled Eden’s knives, fighting fire drake hatchlings heated them. By the time he faced the fire drake, his knives were hot enough to cut through the dragon’s thick scales like a battleaxe through an elf neck.
With one final death cry, the fire drake collapsed with a great thud, gold spilling out from beneath its body, the snow around it melting to water. Eden happily collected the gold – happily and carefully, it was still rather hot – wondering why dragons were greedy as he did. He’d never seen one in a shop before. Then again, he wasn't going in any shops soon either. "Me, you, magpies... we're of a kind, dragon."
CARN DÛM 4
Did extreme cold give people hallucinations? Eden hadn’t heard about anything like that, but it would be the only reason he was seeing what he was seeing: An alchemist sat on a small boulder, smoking a pipe ruminatively. While his clothes were as worn and weathered as Eden’s were from the climate and wildlife, he appeared rather unruffled. “Hello…?” Eden addressed his hallucination, “What’s your name?”
The alchemist looked up at Eden, taking the time to extinguish his pipe, empty it and place it into his shirt pocket before replying placidly, “Gunadek, my friend. But don’t concern yourself with the name of a corpse, my boy.”
“A corpse…?” Eden pulled a face in confusion, “You’re looking pretty good on it. I suppose it’s the cold, it preserves bodies well, I hear…”
“Few percent short of immunity, aren’t you?” Gunadek sighed, “There’s a beast out there, a cold drake, and it has me cornered. This long path affords no protection from its frost, and I find myself unable to travel back the way I came to boot. Fortunately, I appear to have lost it momentarily, but I fear it will find me again soon…”
“Why? What attracts a cold drake?”
“The sound of some young turk bellowing about what attracts cold drakes, for one!”
Gunadek and Eden looked up the mountain path, one languidly and the other in sheer horror, as the cold drake appeared. It was markedly different to the fire drake Eden had fought previously, terrifying in an entirely different sense: The gore of its previous meals was frozen around its snapping jaws, the frost it exhaled was so dense as to form shards of ice and hail which fell to the ground and shattered. And of course, just its presence drove Eden’s body temperature down past ‘absolute zero’ to ‘no, for real, absolute zero’.
“So, you’re an alchemist, eh?” Eden shivered, “Erm… is your golem around, perchance?”
“Eaten,” Gunadek simply replied.
“Ah… got any gems? Throw a couple of technicolour bombs its way!”
Gunadek gave a hollow chuckle, “The only gem I have left is the one on my wedding band, and I’m not sure what good that would be in a bomb… a little hate-based damage, maybe…”
The cold drake roared, expelling a massive plume of frost at the pair.
“Gaaakakakak!” Eden’s body temperature dropped past ‘no, for real, absolute zero’ to ‘haahagaaagaa cold heheeha cold cold’ as the frost engulfed him. Eden's mind was so mangled and half-frozen by the assault he found himself thinking in ways he never would have thought if he was lucid:
“Cold, cold, cold. Make cold go away. Drake long way away. Can’t get to it in time. What to do? Disengage? No, disengage means to run away from, I want to run away to. What to do? Gunadek? Wounded, useless. Useless? No. Frightening. Pretend he’s frightening! Run from him! Disengage!”
In an instant, Eden found himself stood before the drake, having just ran screaming from the confused alchemist. In a way, Eden was glad as he revealed his daggers: He didn’t need his mind for what he was about to do now. The drake roared, lifting one of its own hatchlings to shield itself, but it was useless.
“FLURRYFLURRYFLURRY… aah… achoo! FLURRYFLURRY”
“Did you see how that thing used one of its babies as a human shield? Ah… draconic shield?” Eden muttered as trudged back to Gunadek, “Despicable. Can I borrow your pipe?”
“I suppose,” Murmured Gunadek as he slowly held it out, “I have no more pipeweed, however…”
“Doesn’t matter, it just needs to be warm,” Eden held the pipe to his forehead, and sighed with relief, “Aah, that’s better.”
“Here we are…” Gunadek’s eyes fell upon his recall portal, half-covered by snow, “I must admit, that was quite a feat you accomplished, and I thank you. … Any reason why you let yourself get hit by that snow giant thunderer on the way here?”
Eden shrugged, shaking off his electrocution and attempting to smooth out his frazzled hair, “It keeps you warm.”
“Super. Still!” Gunadek nimbly span his staff as he walked towards his recall portal, “Shall I reimburse you for your troubles? I could teach you how to petrify with a touch, to imbue your equipment with the power gemstones possess, even to channel raw magical energy through --”
“Wow! How did you do that?”
“This?” Gunadek twirled his staff again, “Just a trick I picked up during my studies.”
“Teach me that! Teach me that!”
“Are you sure…?” Gunadek asked uncertainly, “It’s only got to be worth, like, one point of dexterity…”
“Teach me!”
“… Very well…”
Level 18! +2 Dexterity +1 Cunning +1 Knife Mastery +1 Lethality
“An escort quest and a level! Quite an adventure this area of Carn Dûm was. Still, I suppose nothing else interesting could hap--”
“KILL!”
The pack of bandits leapt upon Eden without warning, but then Eden spun his daggers around without warning as well. Seeing three of their number immediately fall, the remaining brigands fled, leaving Eden to look over those he defeated. He recognised one of them: Melna.
“Ha… haha…” She croaked, still attempting to heave herself up to stab Eden regardless of the mortal wound she had received, “Gonna get ya, Eden… gonna… why am I so cold?”
“Honestly,” Tutted Eden, looking down at his deranged assailant, “When you’re a psychopath, stabbing things like a maniac is the only thing you can do well! How hopeless must you be to be out-stabbed by a lucid fellow like me?”
“Cut ya… kill ya…”
“Charming. Ooh, hello…” Stooping down, Eden tugged the heavy gloves from Melna’s twitching hands. One identify spell later, and he said, “I should’ve known! How could a madwoman like you hold onto anything without the Gloves of the Firm Hand?”
“Mel… Melna’s Guile.” Melna coughed, then she died. For this last statement, Eden decided to give Melna a proper burial. “She’s stabbing Maiar now,” He said solemnly to the cairn he constructed, then walked into the snow.
Still, it appeared his old gang was still operating, regardless of their leader’s death, and they were now outfitting his assassin’s with artefacts? Maybe they were getting outside help…
CARN DÛM 5
“♪ Twirly-twirly-twirl… ♫ Getting these Gloves of the Firm… M-Melna’s Guile just after learning this staff-twirling trick was really quite fortuitous!”
CARN DÛM 6
“Ho! Friend, some assistance!”
Eden groaned. Do all warriors begin their conversations with that? Sure enough, on turning he spied a man in plate armour approaching him. While most of the adventurers he met were injured or troubled in some way, this man had been put through the ringer quite extensively indeed. His shield was little more than a dented piece of tin, and the blade of his axe had been broken clean off, leaving a rough haft in his hand.
“Hathyrath, my friend,” The warrior shook Eden’s hand firmly, “I require your assistance --”
“Another recall portal job?” Sighed Eden, “Where are you all getting these portals anyway?”
“Recall? Ha!” Hathyrath laughed, “It is true that I shall be using a recall portal to leave eventually, but first I have enemies to slay! I was just going to ask if you would assist me, rogue.”
Eden was surprised, but not necessarily annoyed, “Okay… I guess the exercise will keep me warm. What enemies are you planning on slaying, anyway?”
“Those ones!” Hathyrath pointed over Eden’s shoulder. Eden turned, and his jaw hit the ground with a resounding thump.
Four cold drakes. Three snow giant chieftains. Both dragon and giant had brought hordes of underlings. The forces arrayed before Eden would have been enough to siege Minas Tirith, let alone turn a lost warrior and his rogue escort to goo.
“Ah, if only my brother was here!” Hissed Hathyrath.
“Brother?” Eden knew the answer to his question before it even escaped his lips, “Was your brother’s name… Grinymnir?”
“Why, yes! You’ve met him? Ah, he is a peerless warrior – without equal! Would that I had the skill and raw might that he possessed! How did you come to meet him? I assume he is still travelling the wilds on his adventures?”
Eden didn’t know what expression he was wearing as Hathyrath was simultaneously frozen, crushed and torn asunder by the horde. He could only hope it wasn’t silly. But now, he had to turn to the matter of his survival, which was very much up in the air. The horde remained, and was continuing to swell as the drakes screamed for their broods.
Level 19! +1 Dexterity +2 Constitution +1 Massive Armour Training +1 Dirty Fighting
No more fooling around, thought Eden. If I’m going to be fighting stuff like this I’m taking no chances: Wear enough armour to survive an apocalypse and cheat, cheat, cheat.
He hurriedly unfurled a scroll of phase door and read it. It deposited him two feet to the right. Cursing angrily, he read a second. This one deposited him into a snow giant warcamp. The third, a dragon’s nest. The fourth, another dragon’s nest…
The last of Eden’s healing potions fell the to the ground, empty. His scrolls of phase door and teleport were consumed. He had found a momentary respite, a tiny alcove hidden from the baying hordes that waited for him. Arenji’s frenzied laughter rang in his ears. Eventually, he would have to make a run for it…
Eden the Rogue, Chapter Seven: Visions Of Arenji
Note: Bear in mind Eden's adventure here takes place in beta12b, pre-rogue traps and pre-Maj'Eyal!
"Ah, this man looks like a guard. Excuse me, sir! My name is Eden, a simple traveller from Bree. You’ve probably heard from that novice mage who has the power to allow people into Angolwen without being admitted himself; I’m to be welcomed here, correct? Perhaps you could show me to a reasonably priced inn? Nothing Haradrim, their food tends to give me --"
The minotaur Eden had approached, fed up with the rambling of the puny ape-headed human before him, swung its battleaxe down in a brutal arc.
"Where… where am I?"
Eden opened his eyes, then promptly slammed them shut again. Commanding his eyes to show him something different, he tentatively opened them again.
A desolate wasteland stretched before him, its surface covered with unnatural-looking craters and rubble. No evidence of life could be seen, not a single plant. There was evidence of former life, though: Skeletons, heaps of them. The sky was dark, filled with roiling, purple clouds, sporadically shooting spears of fire down at the blighted land.
But Eden wasn’t focussed on this. He was focussed on the figure before him. Only the wildest, most shunned and zealous cults followed him. Normal folk didn’t dare think of his name, let alone speak it. Eden had doubted his existence too, but he was now stood before him: Arenji, the dark Vala of misfortune, chance and failure. Eden now realised that the skeletons before him must have been moments from survival before their deaths: One had a potion of full healing in its bony grip, and another held a piece of parchment, the controlled phase door incantation on it half-read.
"Enjoying your adventure, mortal?" Arenji boomed, his voice redolent with scoreboards and ASCII gravestones.
Eden squeaked in response. It seemed his vocal cords were rather more shocked than the rest of his body was.
"I needn’t tell you your fate, Eden. You’ve known it yourself, ever since you took up the Boots of Tom Bombadil in the Trollshaws…"
"E-Eden’s Guile," Eden stammered. Yes, so I just corrected a Vala, Eden thought in disbelief. He cleared his throat; the idea that Arenji was going to kill him regardless of what he said gave him a peculiar form of confidence, "Y-You know, some people in life win, r-regardless of your actions. You… you’re not all-powerful!"
Arenji’s dark eyes burnt through Eden. The supernatural equivalent of a smirk appeared on his lips, "Perhaps. Your case is a special one, Eden. You’re living on borrowed time. Already, this world is fading. Another world will replace it, a world you sadly will not be a part of. Other rogues will take your place… rogues that can lay traps, say…"
"Traps!" Eden exclaimed, "Listen, Arenji, you say this world is fading, but the only proof we have of that is your words. Maybe you’re wrong! Maybe… maybe this new world and mine can exist, together!" Metaphysical debate wasn’t Eden’s strong suit, and he soon found himself saying the first thing that came to mind. After all, he was in a hellish wasteland confronting a figure from myths and legends – he could’ve said "argle-bargle-ningy-nong" if he wanted and it would have been just as effective.
"Think that if you will," Arenji mocked, "It matters little. Soon, your world shall be destroyed in an entirely different sense…"
"Different how?"
Arenji cast an eldritch hand out, indicating the wasteland around him, "Behold, this act of destruction heralds the birth of a new world! Your kind may soon come to call it… the Spellblaze…"
"Right…" Eden considered calling the maleficent deity before him a nutcase, decided against it, then complimented himself on his wise choice.
"Who knows? Maybe you will survive, in some form. Your petty acts of burglary and stabbing may continue in the new realm. But know this: While the other Valar may vanish, I will endure, and I’ll be just the same… you silly goose!"
Eden was baffled, "Did… you just say silly goose?"
Arenji was gone, replaced by Grim, "Rise and shine, Eden!"
With a startled snort, Eden awoke, laid out on the labyrinth’s floor. Beside him was the repeatedly-stabbed body of a minotaur. Eden scratched his chin, silently thanked himself for his reflexes, and walked away.
Level 15! +2 Strength +2 Dexterity +2 Constitution +3 Dual Strike +1 Weapon Combat
Eden frowned. He appeared to have forgotten to better himself when he achieved level fourteen. “I suppose I did have a lot on my plate, what with Bree and everything…”
MAZE 2
"How long does this circuitous corridor go on for? Surely there must be a shop or something soon…!"
MAZE 3
"How do mages live like this?! Maybe they just teleport between their homes and shops and things, ignoring all this maze stuff. Yevanna’s stockings, no wonder so many mages are obese."
MAZE 4
"Come on Eden, focus. Nobody said reaching Angolwen was going to be easy. Just stay calm."
MAZE 5
"hahaaahahhahahah paths and paths and paths and paths naaahahahaahaha"
MAZE 6
"Ahh, now this looks special." Eden had spied a dagger. While it may have looked normal to a passing layman, the distinguished murderer would recognise it as being of dwarven-steel construction. Dwarves, while not busy going mad, killing their nobles and flooding valleys with magma, make stellar equipment. Furthermore, the blade seemed to be coated with a corrosive acid, and its serrated edge lent itself well to massacre.
"An acidic implement of massacre…" Eden thought. Hardly stealthy, but then Eden didn’t consider himself a particularly cunning rogue. A good set of knives was a fine replacement for intelligence, anyway.
Level 16! +2 Dexterity +1 Constitution +1 Knife Mastery +1 Lethality
MAZE 7
"I’m beginning to think – this is just an inkling, mind, just the tiniest thought flitting through the deepest, most subconscious part of my psyche – that this may not be Angolwen."
"PUNY HUMAN," Came a rumbling roar from the darkness beyond, "YOU DARE INTRUDE UPON THE LABYRINTH OF --"
"FLURRYFLURRYFLURRYFLURRYFLURRY"
"Sorry for not letting you finish your big introduction," Eden shrugged at the minotaur lord’s carcass, "My physician says I have an abnormally small melodrama gland. Still, it looks like my little jaunt here wasn’t completely worthless…"
"Helm the Hammerhand," Eden thought to himself as he held up the stark iron helm, "Hero of the Westdike. Now there was a man who knew strategy. After all, there’s little more terrifying than being attacked by a mad hairy man in the middle of a snowstorm!"
"Now for the journey back up…" Thought Eden with reluctance, "Good thing I’ve got a good sense of direction. This maze detour wasn’t my fault; anyone would think this was Angolwen!"
Eden the Rogue, Chapter Six: Eden The Wronged
TROLLSHAWS 1
"Dumb, dirty, stupid, freakin’…"
TROLLSHAWS 2
"Oh, Eden! You stopped a menace to our town?! Oops! Wrong menace!"
TROLLSHAWS 3
"I swear, once I’ve got that trunk, I’ll see it’s put to use…"
TROLLSHAWS 4
"An’ then I’ll run away and they’ll all be like, "Where’s Eden? Where’s Eden?""
TROLLSHAWS 5
"Erm… if I can interrupt your hateful rambling for a moment?"
Eden spun around – forgoing his usual stabbing frenzy on meeting a new friend – and beheld a strange warrior. He must have been wearing over a hundred pounds of sheer plate armour, and over two hundreds of pounds of armour polish. He shone so brightly it almost appeared like he was on fire. Eden shielded his eyes, "Geez, looking at you is like staring at the sun, you know that?"
"Good," The warrior grinned, "Just as a sun paladin should be. My name is Belebeth, and I need your help."
"You need… my help?" Eden was dumbfounded for a moment, but this soon gave way to irritation, "Let me guess, you’re here to slay Bill, right? For the glory?"
"What?"
"Well, listen here. Bill might just be another notch on your mace, you great and mighty warrior from the east that I don’t know about yet, but to me he’s everything! I need to slay Bill so that my hometown finally accepts me again! Understand?"
"Listen, knave," Belebeth scowled, "I have already fought Bill…"
"I knew it!"
"… and now I’m in trouble. I’m wounded. I need to flee."
Eden was stunned, "You… lost to Bill?! You, a sun paladin?" On seeing Belebeth nod, Eden suddenly felt very defenceless. Each shadow the trees around him cast suddenly looked like big, hungry trolls. On taking a closer look at Belebeth’s armour, Eden noticed several huge, trunk-shaped dents.
"Will you help me reach my recall portal?" Belebeth asked.
As it happened, it didn’t appear that Belebeth needed much help reaching his recall portal at all. Even not at his full strength a sun paladin is a deadly foe, as much of the Trollshaw’s wildlife found out. Fortunately for Eden however, Belebeth still felt the need to reward him as they found his portal.
"The Chant of Fortitude is a very useful ability, Eden. Use it well. I see that you are already invoking a hymn however…"
"Yes," Eden replied, idly waving his hand through the black aura that surrounded him, "Is that a problem?"
"Not at all. You can keep a chant and a hymn going simultaneously. It’s like throat singing, give it a try!"
Awkwardly, Eden attempted to incorporate the new chant into the hymn he was already reciting, singing both songs simultaneously, one line after another. After a few false starts he finally mastered it, and the aura that surrounded him shone with a new golden glow. Eden felt his head, woozy from the forces of light and darkness clashing inside it, "Ugh, now I know how that Dizzy character felt."
A few short goodbyes were exchanged, and Belebeth disappeared through his recall portal. "I wonder what a sun paladin was doing in these parts," Eden thought to himself, "Shoot. I forgot to ask him if he was the one who had left those tattered paper scraps all over the place. Oh well, at least we didn’t run into --"
"GRAAAGH!"
"AAGH!"
Quick as lightning, Eden whipped around and thrust his daggers out at the first thing he saw. Bill, stood over Eden in his terrible, foul-smelling majesty, slowly felt at the two horrific wounds that marked his chest, gave a confused, "Whuurga?" and keeled over backwards, the felled tree in his hand falling like a… felled tree.
Eden stood over (or rather stood beside – even prone Bill was remarkably big) his supposed enemy. Thinking back over his recent adventures, Eden realised that what he saw as one of his biggest flaws – wildly stabbing at anything that sneaks up on him – was in fact one of his greatest strengths, because it had just earned him, in his mind, the love of Bree.
"Yes!" Eden cheered, "Bill is vanquished! Now all that’s left to do is to return triumphant, with… my… trophy…" Eden’s gaze fell on the humungous tree trunk, "… Oh, by Aule’s nostrils, this is going to be painful."
BREE
"Eden! You’ve returned!"
Panting and exhausted, his leather armour soaked completely through with sweat, Eden groaned and heaved as he dragged the enormous tree trunk through Bree’s town square. The mayor watched him incredulously, remaining silent until Eden shakily addressed him. "One… one vanquished, Bill… I-I mean one Bill, vanquished. I need to sit down…"
"Eden," the mayor said as he stooped down to Eden’s slumped body, "You have done this town a great service. I thank you, and Bree thanks you."
Eden managed a weak smile, "Does that mean I can use the stores again? I could really go for a potion of greater healing…"
The mayor grinned, but said grin soon turned to an awkward grimace, and even before he started to shake his head Eden knew what was coming. "Well, I wish I could say yes, but you see…"
"What…?!"
"You have to look at it from my perspective," Said the mayor soothingly, "While I thank you for your recent service, I still have to think about all the crimes you have committed previously. After all, this is but one act, and there’s no guarantee that you’ve truly put your thieving ways behind you…"
Eden was silent.
"I suppose, if we received proof that this wasn’t a chance occurrence…"
AMON SÛL 1
Eden cast his gaze across the dank, mossy lobby of the ruined tower he had entered, and sighed. Unlike Bill, he had heard no rumours regarding a shade terrorising Bree townsfolk. If this shade truly was a threat to Bree, it was certainly a low-key one. With resignation, Eden unsheathed his daggers and walked down the tower’s corridors…
"Aha!"
"WHOA!" (stab-stab-stab) "Hey!" (stab-stab-stab) "Aren’t you meant to be on level five?!" (stab-stab-stab) "That’s sneaky!"
Finally setting his eyes on the figure who had appeared behind him, Eden saw that it was not a shade, but a seer. The seer, a young woman who wore a long, cashmere robe and a smile wider than the Great Sea, declared, "Genuflect, my friend! You stand in the presence of the great Xanodann!"
"… Xanodann."
"Xanodann the mighty! Xanodann the powerful! Master of all! Leader of men! Well-liked by animals!"
"Stop stealing lines from Tyrian 2K,” Eden snapped, "Tell me, Xanodann, what would such an obviously powerful and mighty seer be doing on the first level of Amon Sûl?"
"Well --"
"Furthermore, what would such a powerful and mighty seer be doing on the first level of Amon Sûl, wounded?"
"…"
Eden chuckled, "Those rats certainly bite hard, don’t they? Couple of dozen of those and they might even break the skin!"
"Silence!" Xanodann pointed down one of the tower’s dark corridors, “Take me to my recall portal. I wanna go home."
"My pleasure," Grinned Eden, walking ahead of Xanodann, "To be honest, this area is rather beneath me now. I’m used to greater perils. Someday you’ll underst -- ARRGH!"
Without warning, a bolt of pure arcane energy had screamed from the darkness, knocking Eden off his feet and leaving a huge, smoking hole in his leather armour. Skeleton mages! Life’s little reminder that you’re not invincible. Taking his opponents more seriously, Eden called, "Alright! You want trouble?! I’ve got a bag of it right -- GWAARGH!"
Without warning once again, a second manathrust tore through Eden, this time from behind. "Manathrusts don’t ricochet!" He gasped to himself, "What did that?!"
Turning on the spot, Eden noticed that Xanodann had her hand out, her cheeks beginning to flush red. "Sorry," She mumbled, "I-I was going to get that skeleton and… you were in the way?"
"That almost put me away, you fool seer! I want you to keep your hands in your pockets for the rest of this fight, you hear me?!" An arrow from a skeleton archer plunged into the back of Eden’s armour. Barely noticing it, he turned and snapped, "I’m coming to you later, be patient!"
"Well, here we are," Said Xanodann on spying her recall portal, "I thank you for guiding the great Xanodann to her location, and…" Xanodann trailed off, realising that her erstwhile guardian was simply staring at her darkly, "Ah… here! Have an identify spell, on the house!"
One quiet and subdued magic lesson later, the great Xanodann had vanished.
Eden reluctantly saw the great utility his new identify spell gave him, and spent the best part of an hour sat in a corner of one of the better-lit rooms of the tower, going through his belongings. He made a few interesting discoveries: His new cured leather armour was rather cold-resistant, one of his daggers was oozing green slime (why he didn’t notice himself he didn’t know) plus his jewellery – every single piece – was completely useless.
Also, he identified his boots as the Boots of Tom Bombadil, but he wasn’t quite ready to give up his sobriquet for them.
AMON SÛL 2
"A fellow rogue! Hello!"
"Another one?!" Eden was dumbfounded as a thief approached him. This tower was more populated than Bree was! Still, it was nice to meet a fellow rogue. "What is your name, fellow agent of the night?" Eden asked melodramatically.
"Gunydir Quiggins," The thief replied. So much for melodrama, Quiggins, Eden thought to himself.
Compared to his previous escorts, Gunydir’s guarding was a simple and short affair, with no enemies to speak of at all. Pleased for the change of pace, Eden was in high spirits as they approached the recall portal. As payment, Gunydir taught Eden a few of his personal exercises, granting a boost to Eden’s dexterity.
"Thanks for the tips," Eden nodded, "So, what are you doing around here anyway?"
"Oh, I’m here to join this gang," Gunymir responded, "Their leader just got put down by one of their former members, Eden. Boy, are the knives out for him! Literally! Bye!" Before Eden could reply, he had vanished.
AMON SÛL 3
"Hello? Anyone wounded? No? … Wow."
Chop-chop-chop-chop-chop…
AMON SUL 4
Chop-chop-chop-chop-chop…
AMON SUL 5
Chop-chop-chop-chop-CLUNK!
Eden staggered backwards in surprise. That last cut he delivered seemed to be against something particularly hard. Looking at his fallen opponent, who he believed to be just another skeleton mage, he soon noticed that the robes it was clad in were both pure black and seemed to become loose and ethereal around their edges. Its staff, too, had a strange, dark and powerful aura to it. Was it possible that this was the shade?
"Well… they certainly don’t build great and terrible undead foes like they used to."
BREE
When Eden had made his way back to Bree following his victory over Old Man Willow, he entered with pomp and circumstance, assured that his troubles were over. When he made his way back after defeating Bill his entrance was more subdued, but he remained hopeful. This return to Bree held no fanfare at all; Eden slouched into town, the shade’s staff dragging behind him. It almost felt like too much trouble now.
Thanks to his quiet arrival in Bree, the group of townspeople stood around the tree in the centre of town did not immediately notice him. Noticing the secretive expressions the group wore, Eden stealthily hid himself behind a corner to eavesdrop on their conversation.
"I swear! I saw him while I was out hunting; he’s coming, and he’s got the staff!"
"Impossible! The shade should’ve done him in, easy!"
"That’s what you said about Bill, but that wasn’t a problem for him either!"
"I’ve heard that he’s gained new allies from the east! He’s been seen with sun paladins, anorithils… plus, I’ve heard a rumour that he massacred his old gang too! What are we going to do with him?!"
"People, people!" Eden recognised the voice of the mayor among the chattering throng, "You’re forgetting – this is Eden. He’s not some mighty warrior, and he won’t keep beating these odds forever. The poor sap; he actually thinks we’re going to forgive him. When he shows up with the staff, I’ll tell him that I actually meant the staff that the Master just got, down south. He’ll believe me, the fool…"
Eden’s teeth ground together. He felt strangely numb, unsure of what to do. Some people, he imagined, would hide themselves in their room and write terrible poetry. Maybe I should as well, he thought bitterly. I will… once I’ve got some of that mayor’s blood to fill my inkwell…
"Wait."
Eden turned. Grim was stood behind him, "You go into a flurry-frenzy, and you’ll prove everything they’re saying about you."
"Can it, Grim," Eden retorted, "Aren’t you a necromancer, anyway? I thought you’d like corpses all over the place."
Grim didn’t miss a beat, "Not really. When people are killed like that all they do is moan as ghouls. Oh, I’ve been wronged. You’ve killed me! Revenge! Plegh. I prefer people who die from dementia or pipeweed fever. Much more fun to talk to."
"Well, what do you suggest?" Eden grumbled, "This entire town hates me! What resolution can there be to this that’ll make me happy if not a massacre?!"
"Whoa there, you’re on the verge of becoming a reaver, Eden!"
"If only."
"Actually…" Grim thought, rubbing her nose, "You’ve always talked about moving to Minas Tirith, haven’t you? A fresh start. Maybe you should start thinking about it more seriously!"
"A fresh start…?" Eden mused to himself, "You always hear about people leaving the big city to go live in the countryside, but leaving the countryside to go live in the big city?" After a moment’s thought, he shrugged, "I suppose it’s worth a shot! Plus, when I’ve earned enough money down there I can buy Bree and turn it into a mold farm. Heheh."
Taking up a satchel, Eden took one last look around him, "Well, goodbye Bree. It’s been real. Oh wait," He added sarcastically, "No it hasn’t. I hope you rot. See ya, Grim."
"See ya! … Hey, wait! That’s my satchel!"
WILDERNESS
Eden was so busy muttering angry nothings to himself, imagining all sorts of horrible things happening to Bree’s population, that he almost bumped into the apprentice mage that was walking in the other direction. The mage shared Eden’s method of dealing with unexpected guests, although in his case he repeatedly knocked his assailants on the head ineffectually with his staff rather than stabbed them.
"Who are you?" Eden grumbled, rubbing a number of fresh bruises on his head, "What brings an apprentice mage out into the wilds?"
"Ahh, my story is a sad one… I should not trouble you with it, my friend." The mage melodramatically cast his gaze into the middle distance, not noticing Eden shrugging his shoulders and continuing on his way. When he finally did notice his absence, he hurried to Eden’s side again and repeated with a glare, "I SHOULD NOT TROUBLE YOU WITH IT, MY FRIEND."
With a rattling sigh, Eden shrugged, "Fine. It is no trouble at all! Please tell me!"
Launching into his prepared speech, the mage continued, "Well, if you insist… I am a novice mage, as you might have noticed…” He waited for Eden to look suitably impressed. On getting no reaction, he continued, “… and my goal is to be accepted by the elves of Angolwen and be taught the secrets of the arcane."
Eden smiled, summoning up a faraway look in his eyes, "Ah yes, Angolwen, I have called it home for many years…"
"You’re an archmage?!" The apprentice squawked incredulously.
"No, I’m just messing with you. Who are the elves of Angolwen?"
"The keepers of ar…" The apprentice caught himself awkwardly, tugging the collar of his robe, "Err, I do not think I am supposed to talk about them… sorry, my friend…” Another theatrical gaze into the distance, another total lack of response from Eden. The novice mage was getting rather fed up with Eden’s lack of appreciation for his showmanship, but he continued nonetheless, “In any case, I must collect fifteen magic staves, rings or amulets, and I have yet to find -- umph!"
Eden had cast the staff he found on the shade’s remains at the apprentice – right at his face, more specifically. "I’m not helping you with your errands, boy," Eden scowled, "Take that one, it was useless to me, and be thankful you’re even getting one out of me."
Having vented his bad mood at the poor mage somewhat, Eden made to turn and stalk away when he heard the mage’s flabbergasted voice over his shoulder, "Holy… dip! This is Angmar’s Fall! Where did you get it?!"
"Angmar’s… Fall?" Eden said in confusion, "You mean it’s not just a regular staff?"
"Oh yes, my friend, this is indeed a powerful staff!" The mage enthused, "I think that it alone should suffice to complete my quest! Many thanks!"
Eden was caught off-guard by the mage’s gratitude. He had believed the staff to be a long, wooden red herring, but it seemed to have some value after all. "Well, I cannot use it anyway…" He mumbled apologetically, rubbing the back of his neck.
"Ah yes! I am so glad!" The mage grinned, "I will be able to go back to Angolw… err… Oh well, I guess I can tell you; you deserve it for helping me. During the dark years of Sauron’s reign, more than one hundred years ago, Gandalf the Grey worried that…"
Eden nodded repeatedly, the mage’s voice slowly dissolving as his attention waned. "Why do mages have such funny shoes?" He thought to himself, "Maybe he miscast a spell and it made his toenails grow funny and… I’m babbling. Babbling in my head. Not that I can say much about funny shoes anyway, with Eden’s Guile here. Hmm, I’m kinda hungry. Think I’ll have pie for dinner tonight. Ritch and mushroom."
"… many people are accepted there but I will arrange for you to be allowed inside." The mage finished happily, "Aren’t you happy, Eden? … Eden? … EDEN!"
"Whuh?!"
"Were you paying attention? I said you could come and visit Angolwen!"
"Visit Angolwen?" Eden pondered, "Hmm. Well, as much as I’d like to hang around a bunch of archmages, phasing and teleporting here and there, summoning fire from the skies, warping the fabric of reality, I don’t think a country bumpkin from Bree will really fit into the milieu… unless…" Eden suddenly realised something. Fixing the mage with a steely glare, he asked, "Wait. Do they have shops in Angolwen?"
"I… I imagine so." The mage shrugged, "Why?"
"No reason," Smiled Eden, slowly backpeddling from the apprentice mage, "I suppose I better go introduce myself to the mages… make some trades… thanks again!"
"Wait, don’t you want to know where Angolwen is?” The mage called after Eden, “You’ve got to go west, then…" The mage’s voice faded out of earshot.
Finally, a break, Eden thought happily to himself. Rather than travel the length of Middle-Earth to start a new life in Minas Tirith, he could simply travel to the city of mages instead! Beyond the simple benefit of being able to trade again, living in Angolwen could pay additional dividends… "I think that when I become the most powerful wizard in all of Arda, I’ll make a great big thunderstorm over Bree. That’ll teach ‘em. Heheheh…"
He hadn’t heard the mage’s directions, but this didn’t bother Eden. Rogues have an uncanny sense of direction, and Eden felt that his was especially good – his parents told him that he ate a compass when he was little.
"This looks like the way to Angolwen," Eden said to himself, "Some grandure! You’d think a city of mages would have a better entrance; this is barely a hole in the ground!"
MAZE 1
"Now, I just need to find a signpost… geez, Angolwen’s a freakin’ labyrinth."
